Talking to your spouse about money may not be at the top of your to-do list, but it’s important for your marriage. A lack of communication can lead to fights, busted budgets, and underfunded savings accounts.

According to a study published in 2009 by Jeffrey Dew at Utah State University, couples that fought about money at least once a week were 30% more likely to get divorced. This is why you need to learn to talk to your partner calmly about your shared financial future.

If you and your partner have struggled with this in the past, try using some of these tips to smooth over the conversation. So, make sure that you apply the tips and suggestions we are going to provide in this article and see changes in your familys finance.

• How do I start a Conversation with my Spouse about Money?
• What is the best way for Married Couples to Handle Finances?
• How do you Communicate with Money?
• Should a Husband give his Wife Money?
• Should Relationships be 50 50 Financially?
• How Important is Money in a Relationship?

How do I start a Conversation with my Spouse about Money?

Here are ten tips for getting the discussion started – and making sure that it doesn’t devolve into an emotional battle.

1. Start off talking about goals. Ask your spouse when he/she wants to retire and what he/she wants to do after retirement. Ask what his/her dreams are – where would they like to be in five years, or ten years. The point is to think positively about money by asking where it can get you.

Read Also: 9 Money Goals to Build your Future

2. Admit your own mistakes. If you’re having this discussion, it’s likely you’re not blameless. Start off by admitting your own mistakes. Before the discussion, evaluate your own spending and figure out where you spend too much. For me, I admitted to spending too much on books and on eating out, both of which were seriously draining our finances.

3. Look your spouse right in the eye, and hold their hand. No matter how big your spouse’s mistakes are, never, ever give any sign that you are anything other than compassionate and loving. For me, this meant that as my wife was summoning the courage to express her fears, her spending problems, and her doubts, I sat next to her, looked right at her, listened attentively, and placed my hand on top of hers. It was a simple gesture, but it reminded her of the love that we share.

4. Be goal-oriented. You’re having this talk to achieve some sort of goal. Maybe you’re realizing that credit card bills are getting too high, or maybe you’re starting to think about having children – or about life after the kids leave the nest. Let your partner know what the goal of the conversation is, but don’t frame it around “you need to change your behavior.” Be very specific about what you want to accomplish: “I would like to get these credit cards paid off” or “We’re about to finish paying off the house and I’d like to think about an upgrade.”

5. Look at numbers – but don’t judge. When I did this, I let my wife see all of my statements first and gave her a pen to mark off anything she found questionable. She was so blown away by the openness that she almost automatically did the same thing once we evaluated my spending, and without a peep. If I had started off by demanding her statements, it would have turned into a giant war.

6. Be fair. If/when your spouse admits to overspending, don’t blow up at them. We live in a consumerist society that is designed to push our buttons and trick us into spending. Even worse, it’s a pattern that’s very difficult to break – it’s a very socially acceptable addiction. Instead of exploding, ask them what they think of the spending: is it reasonable? Is it more important to them than paying off a credit card? Do not blow up if your spouse gives an answer that you don’t like.

7. Create goals that you both agree on. Each of you should make a list of the goals you’d like to reach, both in the short term and in the long term. Then, find the ones that mesh together and agree to work towards them. For example, my wife and I are both interested in being debt free as soon as possible, buying a home in the near future, and retiring early, so we’ve made that one of our primary goals, and we now think of our spending in terms of these goals.

8. Create plans to reach those goals. For each of your common goals, spend some time figuring out how you can get there. Do you need to cut down on the Starbucks visits? Does your spouse need to spend less cash on authentic baseball jerseys (hey, I’ve seen a couple where the husband was budgeting almost $10K on baseball-related apparel a year)? Each of you needs to be willing to make some sort of sacrifice to reach the goal, and if you’re initiating this, you should be the first one to offer up something.

9. Agree to talk about it regularly. I am a big fan of a monthly family meeting about money issues. This should include the children as early as possible. This way, all parties can stay on the ball and everyone can have a say in any planning decisions.

10. Do something romantic afterwards. After our first talk, I made dinner for the three of us while my wife picked up our son from daycare. After supper and some playtime, our child went to bed, and we spent a romantic evening together, secure in the new bonds we had just built.

What is the best way for Married Couples to Handle Finances?

Personal disagreements over financial decision making are among the main reasons that married couples end up in divorce court. Unfortunately, even when couples have resources and financial advice readily available to them, they still end up fighting over money.

A survey conducted by Fidelity Investments found that couples carrying debt argued significantly more (67%) about money than those couples who were not burdened with debt (41%).

Avoiding Agitation

Beyond repaying personal or professional debts, the Fidelity survey found that friction between couples often originated around savings, and how much money should be collectively saved by the time the pair reached retirement age (approximately 65-years old).

In the U.S., a general lack of aggregate savings among this demographic, paired with a larger population of retirees drawing on Social Security than ever before, has combined to intensify stress on these aging couples. Other common arguments stemmed from where important financial and legal papers should be located, and who ought to be the primary decision-maker in regard to daily financial choices.

Another survey found that 70% of married couples regularly argued about money, surpassing fights about household chores, togetherness, sex, snoring, and dietary choices. Couples cited frivolous purchases, household budgeting, and credit card debt as the biggest sources of friction.

In an effort to help married couples reduce personal disagreements about money and make more accountable financial choices (individually and together), below are a few tips that married couples should not ignore.

Separate vs. Joint Accounts

An important consideration to make early in a relationship is whether or not to maintain separate bank accounts, as well as collective ones. If a couple owns a business together, this may seem additionally counterintuitive, but structuring individual “fun money” accounts can be as unique as the couples themselves.

Moreover, budgeting a certain amount of cash into individual accounts each month is a way to lesson the guilt about spending on personal items, and reinforces accountability. Conversely, some couples also reported that having joint accounts increased the overall feeling of “togetherness”, and that the couple’s financial future was singular.

Track Your Spending Money

Without some form of individualized spending, it’s difficult to face the quantitative reality of how personal spending choices affect collective budgeting each month. To make matters worse, Fidelity found that 33% of surveyed couples with debt had “difficulty” talking about their budget/spending habits with one another.

Only through honest conversation and budget analysis can couples track and change their financial behavior—and work to reduce the stress, confusion, and frustration of managing money together.

Establishing and following a budget is the most reliable way to eliminate debt and plan for a future together, and it’s nearly impossible for couples to set financial goals or build financial strategy without one.

Set Financial Priorities Together

Communication is key to any healthy relationship, and discussing financial decisions is no exception. Communicating about finances is challenging because the priorities of personal finance are as unique as the individuals themselves, and any savings strategy must consider the needs and aspirations of both partners in order to be successful.

If the topic of debt, bills, or retirement goals makes either partner uncomfortable or defensive, a certified financial planner can help set guidelines for a couple, and establish a budget with benchmarks like an emergency fund, raising a family, or saving for retirement.

Save 10%

Couples living on a “month-to-month” billing cycle can rationalize that they simply don’t have enough money to put anything into savings. This is where a budget becomes crucial; in order to save at least 10% of monthly income for future use, it’s necessary to consciously and collectively make small adjustments and sacrifices every month.

After paying bills that cannot wait (such as power, gas, insurance, and rent), couples should contribute to an emergency fund, while leaving an additional 10% for retirement. The earlier couples begin saving, the easier it will be to retire someday.

Manage Debt as a Couple

Although in the eyes of the law, any debt acquired before the marriage will remain in the name of the person who took on the debt, working as a couple towards a debt-free life will benefit both partners.

U.S. consumer debt is approaching $15-trillion in 2020, suggesting that regardless of communication, wealth, or frugality, couples will always be expected to manage an unpredictable economic future.​ Data also shows debt as one of the primary threats to the happiness and financial security of couples of all ages, and thus minimizing debt obligations is a reliable way to positively impact personal relationships and personal finances.

How do you Communicate with Money?

Most couples want to avoid tension, arguments, and—of course–breaking up. One way to do that, it seems, is to talk about money.

Whether you’re married, engaged, or just starting to get serious with somebody, it’s a good idea to come clean about your financial situation, learn to share your financial goals, and start talking about your financial habits.

Bringing up money isn’t easy, especially in a new relationship (or in an established one, if you’ve never talked finances before). Here are a few ways to start:

Be casual

Mention that you’d like to talk about money before diving into hard-hitting questions. Feel out your partner’s response. Do use an argument over money as the opportunity to start talking about it.

Start slowly

Start with easier topics like your long-term financial goals and work towards more sensitive ones like debts, assets, and credit histories.

Be understanding

Talking about money can make us feel vulnerable, so you can build trust with your partner by being extremely understanding and supportive when talking about your finances. This is important because the absolute worst thing for your relationship is if he or she isn’t truthful about money.

And remember, it may be disheartening to learn your loved one has a ton of debt or awful credit (or to reveal that about yourself), but it’s also not conducive to a healthy, trusting relationship to live with that information a secret.

Open the Finances Discussion

First, you should discuss any debts that you may each have. If you have student loan debt, you should not consolidate it together. There are many benefits that allow you to keep this separate. If you have credit card debt, you should quickly work on paying it off.

Once you are married, you should only have one credit card account, and it should be a joint account. You should work on paying off all personal loans together. If you both own homes, you should sell one home or both and have the other home put into both of your names.

Second, you should discuss any assets that you have. This can be your retirement savings, homes that you own, cars, general savings, and general investments. It is important that you begin to view these assets as mutual. Your retirement savings in 401k plans or IRAs are connected solely to you. You may choose to cash income investments or assets to pay down your debt.

Learn About Your Spending Habits

Third, you need to know about each other’s spending and savings habits. It is generally best if these are fairly similar, although you can adjust in different areas to help each other out. You need to be able to communicate effectively on these topics, and if you understand the reasons why you each like to spend or save it can make communicating much more effective.

Fourth, you need to air out any financial dirty laundry. This is the time to confess that you have declared bankruptcy or have stopped paying on credit cards. You should make sure that you make a complete and full disclosure with your soon to be spouse about any debt issues. This is especially true when you are thinking about debt. If your spouse later learns that you have hidden something from her, it can cause serious trust issues in the marriage.

Share Your Feelings

Fifth, you need to discuss how you each feel about money. This is different than spending and savings habits. You may want to discuss the following questions: How did your parents handle their money? Would you do anything differently?

Did you have to work for anything you wanted or did your parents simply provide you with it? Do you see money as a tool or as a burden? Do you like to save or give or spend the most? Should we give money to others?

Remember to nurture your relationship by spending time together. You can go on cheap dates to keep the romance alive. It is also important to continue talking about your finances through budget meetings and goal setting. The more open you are about your situation, the easier it will be to keep communicating effectively throughout your marriage.

Should a Husband give his Wife Money?

Among married couples with a single earning partner, a skew often slips into the financial equation. If the husband takes care of everything, from earning and spending, to saving and investing, there is a tendency to dictate terms to the non-earning spouse.

In some cases, the wife has to ask, remind or grovel for money every month to take care of household or personal expenses. In many marriages, the husband shares money, but not information regarding his salary, spending or investments.

It is crucial for both the spouses not only to be in the loop when it comes to finances but also be equal beneficiaries of wealth. If you are not and are having trouble finding common ground, go through the following points to know what you should do.

1. Know your financial rights

A wife has the legal right to secure basic amenities and comfort—food, clothes, residence, education and medical treatment— for herself and her children from the husband. So, understand that as a homemaker, you should not have to ask your husband for money; he is bound by law to provide it to you.

Also, the wife has a right to know the details of her husband’s salary, as per a 2018 ruling by the Madhya Pradesh High Court. This is important because the quantum of salary will provide clarity to the wife about how much money she can have for household and personal expenses.

2. Show interest, split financial responsibility

If your husband does not share financial information, it is possible that at the start of the relationship, you did not evince any interest in financial transactions. If you want to change the status quo, have a conversation about it with the spouse. It is important to not only display interest, but also split financial responsibilities as per your individual skills.

If you are good with investments, take on the responsibility, leaving the tasks of earning and paying bills to the husband. If investing is not your forte, you could handle the household budget and payment of bills, leaving investments to the spouse.

3. Get this information

If the husband is not sharing information out of habit or laziness, not malice, make sure you seek it from him periodically. Both the partners should be in the know about important financial aspects because if one were to pass away, the other should not be left clueless.

While it is not important that you communicate on a day-to-day basis, both should be on the same page when it comes to goals and budgeting. Make sure that you know the accounts and passwords of all online and offline saving and investment accounts.

You should also know about the investments in your or your spouse’s name, and have access to original documents of all insurance policies, be it life, health, vehicle, or house. Finally, ensure access to will and property documents, essential for a smooth transition of assets.

4. If the husband refuses

If you have tried to talk to your husband about the need to share crucial financial information, and he is reluctant to do so or refuses outright, try to seek the help of a mediator. This person can be a trusted confidant or older relative, respected by both spouses, who can help clear the impasse.

If this doesn’t work, approach a financial adviser, who can take an objective and pragmatic stance on the need to share financial details. If this, too, fails, seek a marriage counselor as a last resort because the issues and fissures are clearly deeper, involving your marriage, not merely your finances.

Should Relationships be 50 50 Financially?

In any relationship, you want to treat each other as equals and balance the give and take required to keep things moving. When it comes to money, though, should everything be split 50/50? This can seem like an attractive option when you want to keep things “equal,” but is it the best option for your relationship?

In the initial stages of any romantic courtship, splitting things down the middle may seem like the right thing. As you evolve from dating to more serious — like moving in together or getting married — splitting things down the middle doesn’t always make much sense.

If one person is bringing in $6,000 per month and the other is bringing in $3,000 per month, splitting things down the middle is decidedly worse for the lower-income earner and can negatively affect their finances.

If one person has debt and the other doesn’t, it may be tough to make progress on that debt if stuck to the confines of splitting everything down the middle. As a couple, it’s important to work as a team to discuss what financial breakdown works for both of you.

Here are some expert opinions

Certified financial planner John Bodnar, founder of Bodnar Financial Advisors in Florham Park, N.J., says that “there is no right or wrong way” to do this, “only the way that works for you both.” He adds: Some couples are more comfortable splitting it 50-50, and others decide paying bills based on a percentage of income is fair. You figure this all out, he says, by having “ a respectful, two-sided discussion” about how to handle your expenses.

But for certified financial planner Mitchell C. Hockenbury of 1440 Financial Partners in Kansas City, Mo., the answer depends on whether you’re married or not. In a married couple, “it doesn’t matter what percentage is made by either spouse, as a couple you should pool the income, then dissect where the money will be spent,” he says.

“If you are committed, put all your cards on the table and share the information freely. You are sharing your bodies, you are sharing kids….share your money!”

But if it’s a more casual relationship, Hockenbury says it should “be a 50/50 split on common expenses” like rent and utilities. He adds: “Do not to pay for the debt of the other person.” The reason: “They aren’t committed to each other (if they were, I’d defer to Beyonce, “…put a ring on it”).”

A number of commenters on Reddit said they’d practiced the 50-50 rule, with one writing: “Before my husband and I got married we lived together for 4 years. He made 2x my salary. He’s an accountant I’m a High School teacher.

We split everything 50/50. Rent, utilities, groceries, toilet paper, etc.” Another noted that “we follow the same practice, 50/50 across the board … we buy gifts for each other occasionally and fund our own hobbies, but otherwise it’s not even a question.”

Some experts note that the 50/50 rule doesn’t always work though: “If one spouse makes significantly more than the other, but their expenses are fairly comparable, the split should be closer to 50/50. If the spouse who makes more, is also spending much more than the other, a 50/50 split doesn’t make sense,” says Joe Anderson, an investment advisor representative with SHP Financial in Plymouth, MA.

“It’s important to find a balance between how much each spouse spends and how much they contribute to the household. If their income levels are very different, it is typically not realistic to expect a 50/50 split when it comes to bills.”

No matter what you decide, Anderson says it all starts with a review of current bills. “ Couples should start the process of splitting bills by reviewing monthly household expenses. Weekly or monthly budgeting is the best way to get an accurate portrayal of what a couple actually spends,” he says.

How Important is Money in a Relationship?

1. Relationships should be equal—and you need to decide what that means for you

Relationships should always be equal, and that means different things to different people. Some people think “equal” means a total 50/50 split in finances, but often that’s not always possible or realistic for a couple. What if both parties don’t make the same amount of money? Why should they feel forced to split things evenly, if it doesn’t make sense for them, and they’re comfortable coming up with another arrangement?

Money can become important when one party can’t keep up with the other financially but is still expected to. Knowing exactly what both partners are expected to contribute to a relationship is important to clarify, so no one ends up feeling exploited or out of their depth.

2. You don’t want to unexpectedly need to support someone

Knowing how much money your partner makes/has is important. It just is. I’m not saying you have to start asking for bank statements on a second date, but if you’ve been together for a while, and plan to stay together, or if you’re planning to move in together, you don’t want to have “Surprise! I’m broke!” suddenly come up.

It’s more than fine to support your partner in trying times, and have them do the same for you, but you don’t want to wake up one day to someone simply expecting you to carry them. You want to know that while your partner might not always be in a comfortable financial situation, their ultimate goal is to be able to put money in the bank, not to ride on your coattails like some lazy freeloader.

3. You might also have to be prepared to unexpectedly support someone

And yes, as mentioned above, there might be times when you need to unexpectedly support the other person in your relationship. Things happen—people lose jobs, big bills need to be suddenly paid—and in these moments, you’ll learn that your relationship is a financial partnership as much as a romantic and emotional one.

You need to understand that when it comes to money, if you’re in a serious relationship, you’re in it together. Their hard times are your hard times now, and vise versa.

4. You need to have similar financial priorities

Focusing on sussing out whether or not a potential partner is someone who you can trust with money is way easier than trying to have a relationship where one person is constantly monitoring the other’s spending. You need to make sure that you are both capable of being reasonable, respectful and communicative when it comes to everyday spending, and that you share the same goals when it comes to spending and saving in general.

For example, when one person wants to save for a new dining room table and the other person is impulsively dropping $500 on a night out with pals on a regular or semi-regular basis, there’s a pretty fundamental mismatch in priorities, which isn’t healthy and isn’t sustainable.

When you’re partnering with someone, especially when you’re living together, your spending habits matter, and will always affect the other person. While you can’t demand someone run every penny by you, you should trust that your partner isn’t going to blow money the two of you need on something frivolous.

Read Also: How can I be Prepared to Weather a Financial Storm?

You can’t police your partner, so you need to be able to trust their judgment with finances, and that’s much easier when the two of you share similar goals.

5. Planning a financial future together is important if you want to get live together/ get married/ have kids

A stable relationship often involves planning a future, whatever that looks like: renting together, buying a house, owning cars, having kids, taking lots of vacations. Whatever your path looks like, money is important because where you spend it is going to dictate how you live, and how you achieve your goals together.

6. It’s too easy to fight about money

If you don’t pay proper attention to the way money functions within your relationship, it can be destructive. If you don’t communicate and have an open dialogue about your finances, you can very quickly find yourselves fighting about how the other spends money. You use money every day.

Money affects everything from where you live to what you have for breakfast. Of course it’s going to affect the way two people who are sharing their lives, to whatever degree, live with one another. It’s important to pay attention to it, and to make sure that you’re clear enough in your financial discussions that it doesn’t sneak up and cause unnecessary friction.